Depression, a real life experience...
I was awake. I wasn’t exactly thinking about anything. I was staring at the roof. Somehow the darkness was comforting although I have always been afraid of the dark. And before I could realize, it was 4 a.m. I forced myself to fall asleep in order to function well for the rest of the day. And guess what? I couldn’t sleep. I did my regular chores and got ready for another big day. I look at my contact lens case, I’ve got to open them, but why bother? I didn’t find a reason to smile, and hence I didn’t. On the way to work, I dropped my keys and started weeping. I wasn’t aware that people were noticing my tears. As I somehow reach my place of work, I had a pile of assignments to complete. I knew they were important and that it had a stringent deadline but I couldn’t concentrate. I meagerly completed a few of the priority tasks and slouched back home. I hadn’t eaten anything at work as I wanted to complete the assignments, which again I hadn’t. I blamed it on the lack of sleep the previous night and hit the bed. I wake up thinking I had slept enough only to realize that it had only been 2 hours since I slept. And again, I savor the dark lonely night eyes open wide. This was not just one day, this has been my day for the past few weeks.
No, usually I am not this person. In fact, I am the actual opposite. My friends and colleagues did ask me what was wrong and I honestly had no answer. Sometimes being with them helped resist the flatness but sometimes it was just too much of light, people and attention. It was a plain, numb experience, neither happy nor sorrowful with occasional spells of cry for trivial things, with nothing ahead to look forward to and with nothing in the past to dwell around. Was I sad? No. Was I upset over something? No. Was I searching for a meaning? No. Did I want to die? No, but I didn’t have a reason to live. Honestly, I was up to nothing. Through all those review meetings with my manager, the only things that came out of my mouth was "I don't know why". One fine day, I wake up and decide not to go to work because I didn’t want to lose the comfort of being still on the bed. After exhausting all possible earned leaves, with no choice I went back to work, hoping to be normal again. Believe me when I say, I didn’t want to wake up neither could I fall sleep. Nope, it didn’t work.
Imagine needing concentration to do every single thing in your routine. Nothing is automatic. Every damn thing requires focus. And, you have got the rest of the day to deal with.
All those days, the one common thing I kept hearing was “You need to get yourself out of this. You can handle this if you are strong enough.” And those words fell in deaf ears.
What do you think? Wouldn’t it have happened to me if I were strong enough? Well, if you are someone who believes so, this article is just for YOU.
Depression can occur to anyone and there’s no one reason to become depressed. The science behind depression links to the neurotransmitters and hormones however, we often attribute depression most of the times to ‘reacting to a life situation’ and claim that a positive, holistic outlook of life could resist depression. True, but it is not easy for anyone to be positive at all times in their life. Especially when there is no trigger.
Alright! So the second most common question. Does depression always seek medical and psycho-therapeutic help?
Imagine having a lung cancer. Do you hear people telling, you were not physically strong enough to resist cancer? In fact, people feel sorry for you and come to your rescue. Now imagine the same with any mental illness. You already know the answer.
It is evident that people who have a support system and a shoulder to lean on, fight back depression well. Because once confided, it builds resilience and develops coping skills. If you have one such support system, lean on. If you don’t or if that doesn't help, please feel free to seek professional help.
Don't fight depression alone, because it only does more harm than good! You are not the only one! Let's fight it back together!